I’m doing it all wrong….
I have always been determined.
Once I get an idea into my head that I would like to achieve something… my jaw gets set, a slight frown forms across my brow. Somewhere in my mind I imagine myself as the fierce hero of an anime movie … you know that face they have? Sheer determination.. teeth gritted … eyes intense.
From that moment. I will learn whatever I need to learn, make mistakes, practice, talk to experts, make more mistakes and learn some more in order to achieve my goal.
Yes…. It’s intense.
My little inner anime girl has helped me to achieve things in my world that I never imagined I could, from graduating with an academic degree to starting, building and running two successful businesses. From climbing cliff faces to learning the beautiful ancient skill of silversmithing and selling my paintings.
So..the very concept of taking part in activity for fun… and not aiming to become the best at it, or make it a new career or simply to achieve any qualifications it may offer … is a bit alien to me.
When I started yoga, I was immediately researching the path to become a yoga guru, how do I get to India to learn this properly?
Rock climbing … how do I get good enough at this to be able to climb the toughest routes anywhere in the world with the elegance and grace I saw others display?
Sailing … how many qualifications can I get in this? Maybe I could teach it ?
Playing my ukulele … right… where’s my band ? We could play festivals !!??
Gardening …. Yes, even gardening … how can I make my garden the most magical, how can I learn about all the plants …. maybe I could study as a botanist ??
Ooooo I could be a marine biologist!!!?
See what I mean?
Intense.
So although I am grateful to my little determined faced girl for all the strength and power she’s brought me …and for my insatiable excitement for life … it can be exhausting to focus so intensely…. on everything…. ALL OF THE TIME!
Some might say I’m a little competitive too (no, I don’t care if she’s only 5, if she’s playing monopoly with me she needs to pay her debts !!) … and yes, this may be slightly me.
But my driving force is absolutely not about competing with others… it’s about being the best I can be. I am super happy if other people around me are achieving great things too … as long as I am achieving to the level that I want to … which happens to be the highest!
Al and I don’t watch a lot of terrestrial tv.
Don’t get me wrong, we watch way too much telly (this is definitely not about to turn into a lecture on the virtues of turning off your television and living life instead …. although this is a thought nags at my brain every single evening) but we tend to binge a series on Netflix or watch movies.
So when we decided to watch a documentary on ‘normal telly’ last week we found ourselves bombarded with adverts. I was genuinely shocked with the general message that was being yelled at me,
I am living my life all wrong.
I’m not doing it fast enough, I’m not fit enough, I’m not fun enough …. I’m not beautiful enough , I’m going on the wrong holidays, even my poor cats are eating the wrong food and sitting on the wrong cushion.
I’m not being productive enough … I must achieve at my job, I must have the most beautiful friends with the most exciting social life, I must be fit… preferably running a marathon or two……I’m not even growing old correctly!
Should I really feel like partying, roller blading or sky diving when I have my period? Can’t I just get my jammies on and lie on the sofa with a hot water bottle? ….. really?? Bungee jumping??
It feels like we are being brainwashed by the media to believe that we are not enough. If we are not achieving then we are somehow inadequate. And yet…. On the very same television we are being fed programs that have been dumbed down to a point where some documentaries feel like they should be being watched by children at infant school.
I was truly horrified at the messages that were being shouted at me.
Be your best self and ‘live your best life’ ( and buy this stuff to help you ..) but also watch this nonsense and don’t think too much.
We’ve all heard the daily rants about social media and it’s effects of mental health. Comparison culture where we are always only seeing the best bits of people lives, the filtered view etc etc … but I honestly believe this negative side social media is just a part of the issue and is compounded by the effects of the messages we receive via the television every single day.
And it got me thinking about life and this constant need to achieve.
I grew up in family of mixed generations. My Dad was twenty years older than my mum. So in many ways I have always felt I had a privileged view through a window into a different past. My mum was a post war child but my dad was born in 1920 … a time inconceivably different to now, one hundred and two years later.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking to the past with an unrealistic romanticised notion that all was wonderful and everything was better.. I am simply comparing the speed of life and level of expectation.
Even in my lifetime, the pace of life has changed exponentially. Watch a film from the early 90’s and it will seem slow and maybe even a bit boring compared to the super fast angle changes, car chases and speedy language of movies we are used to today.
My Dad had hobbies.
He had interests that he just did because that’s what dad liked to do. He carved birds from wood. He made models of aeroplanes and he knew every single British bird song by heart. None of this was a side hustle… or had an end goal. He didn’t feel the need to sell his creations or become a naturalist. He could be completely content enjoying his patch of the world with all its wonders, with no pressure just the enjoyment of whatever he was creating in that moment.
So where’s the balance? I want to achieve.. achieving gives me a sense of purpose… a drive. But, could there be more room in life for not achieving, just being content to enjoy the activity for what it is?
I often people talking about how life opens up in ways we can’t conveive if we learn to ‘surrender. I am only just now beginning to understand that surrendering doesn’t have to mean giving up, or not trying… it is simply about relaxing more into the natural rhythm of your life, taking the pressure off the need to direct every single moment.
Trust.
The magical understanding that no matter how intense or even neurotic you become, you simply can’t control ever single aspect of life, you’re only partially in control and that’s a wonderful thing !
You don’t need to take responsibility for being perfect or for you life to appear so.
Enjoy the ride.
There is (another) really interesting podcast ( I’ll pop a link below) in which Ella Mills talks to Oliver Burkeman who has written a book called ‘Four Thousand Weeks: Time and How to Use It’’ (a title based on an average human life span). In his book, Oliver discussed what he calls the ‘productivity trap’ and ways to find a balance between self worth and the pressure of modern media driven messages.
Amongst many other fascinating concepts, Oliver talks discusses the idea and importance of enjoying a leisure activity without an end goal. Learning …. Or relearning maybe ? To enjoy taking part in something for it’s own sake without this insatiable need excel or make it some kind of side hustle.
As the great Baz Lurhman says in his brilliant Sunscreen song ‘the race is long, and in the end, it's only with
yourself.
Ultimately no-one is watching and judging, even if you spend your entire life competing and comparing yoursef to others …. guess what? … you actually don’t get a prize at the end of all this for being the best at everything you did in your life or having the most amount of money or being the most productive.
You actually don’t receive a lifetime achievement award for being the most perfect version of yourself. Who knew!
So.. here’s what I’m going to do.
I am heading to a pottery class. Just a single day of making something in clay. I am simply going to enjoy my time with my lovely friend Becky @boflocreations and we are going to make something. I am not going to become a potter… or get onto the great pottery throw down … I am just going to make something or other .. and it’ll be what it is!
I can still achieve in other areas of my life .. create my best work, have ambition to be the best I can be, but I’m going to go to my class with the sole aim to have a lovely day.
I will update you on how that goes, this could be a challenge (said whilst googling ‘where to buy a kiln’…)
In the 90’s Baz Lurhmann released ‘The Sunscreen song’ or ‘Wear Sunscreen’
This song has quite literally stayed with me since. We have a poster of the lyrics framed on our kitchen wall and another in the workshop.
The word were originally written by Mary Schmich for her column in the Chicago Herald and was adapted into a talking song by Baz.
To me, this simple poem put to music has been a guide to life… when it was released I was in my mid 20’s, I was at the age the song was taking to… I was the one who ‘wouldn’t understand the power and beauty of my youth’ … and now… nearly twenty five years later I am the the narrator … ‘looking back in a way you can’t grasp now, how beautiful you were and how much possibility lay before you ‘
The race IS long … and in the end, it is only with yourself.
Wise words.
I will leave you with a link to the podcast … the promise of not becoming a world famous potter and the lyrics to one of the most influential songs in my own life.
Enjoy X
Illustrations of my inner anime by the uber talented and gorgeous human that is Anne-Louise Richards. @missannelouiserichards
WEAR SUNSCREEN
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you
imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with
people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with
yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe
you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever
own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for
good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
YouTube sunscreen Song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-YsGdjkIgw
PODCAST :
Delicious Ways to Feel Better - How to escape the productivity trap.
Apple podcast:
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/delicious-ways-to-feel-better/id1428704212?i=1000548765878
Spotify:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/5k9ECTwYPl8gPS2lWEObKm?si=x9YZpKXWRDezD0dfU-Y-kA
