‘Nope’

So this is it.

Half a century.

In a few weeks time I will leave my forties behind and join the fifties club.

Am I bothered? No, not really … I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m a little surprised..

all the signs were there …

I should have seen it coming …

but …turns out it really is like the adults told me, one moment you’re in your twenties and then whooooosh.. here you are!

Would I want to be 25 again?

Of course I would … who am I kidding?

But, in truth .. I can quite honestly say I would only want to return to my twenties if I got to keep the life experience and understanding that I have now.

That body?  ha ha …absolutely yes please!! … but with this brain, this sense of self.

I had dinner with my friend the other evening, she is exactly two months older than me. We were chatting and laughing like we always do (and sharing glasses in an attempt to read the menu…. wtf!! ) and we suddenly discovered a new commonality…

…that feeling that, well, I can best sum up with a single word …

‘Nope’

A new found freedom to move away from things that don’t make us happy…. because, well… ‘nope’ I don’t want to. I don’t have to.

I don’t have to tolerate people who are rude or demanding. I’m allowed to distance myself from anyone who doesn’t make me happy or isn’t excited for me for my small achievements and wins.

I need the company I keep to be nourishing and supportive… if it’s not..then… ‘Nope’.

The older I get the more I realise I don’t need to settle, to stay quiet and accept the not so perfect things around me just to keep the peace.

It’s ok to say no. To think of your own happiness first and kindly walk away from situations or obligations that don’t work for you anymore.

Equally I have learnt that it’s ok to feel your emotions. This has always been a huge challenge for me as my default setting has always been to hold it in, don’t create a situation, don’t show that you are hurt, angry, sad or even excited and happy …

Stay constant and don’t rock the boat.

Now.. I still feel I can keep a level of privacy about my emotions, something that clearly is intrinsic to my personality but, I can allow myself to feel them. To feel the sadness, grief or the joy, to lean in and experience it and then let it go.

It’s mine.

I can close my eyes and let the waves of whatever it is wash over me, until I am ready to move on. On MY timeline and no one else’s. Because I want to and not because someone is impatiently waiting for me to, or because society says I should.

‘The older I get the more I realise everything doesn’t happen for a reason. Some things will happen senselessly and be completely devastating. I do not have to make something good out of something terrible.Toxic positivity isn’t helpful to my growth or healing’ Alex Elle.

I have lived a huge part of my life with a level of toxic positivity. I mean, I didn’t know that’s what it was.. I’ve only heard this phrase fairly recently but, in hindsight I can see that I have hidden my true feelings behind a smile and a positive spin.

‘Toxic Positivity (noun)

The excessive and ineffective overgeneralisation of a happy, optimistic state across all situations.

The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimisation and invalidation of the authentic human experience.’

When my father passed away 14 years ago, I just continued teaching at our jewellery school. I think I may have taken a day or two off and then returned to work with smiles. I pulled it off so well that most of our students had no idea what had just happened… even people who were closest to us had no idea that I spent most nights awake on the sofa struggling to manage the overwhelming waves of grief and loss.

At the time, I was proud of this. I thought I was being ‘professional’. Now, looking back I see that it is such a hollow victory. The level of expectation I placed on myself only came from me… even with something as life changing and immense, I pushed the grief to one side and carried on… don’t rock the boat, don’t make anyone else feel uncomfortable or sad.

Now, finally, I am learning that it’s more than ok to feel how I feel and if that rocks the boat .. well maybe I’m in the wrong boat with the wrong crew. ( where did all these sailing metaphors come from?? )

And the wonderful flip side to this is that in acknowledging my own emotions and giving myself the freedom to feel and experience them, I’m able to be more compassionate to others around me.

That recognition that you never truly know what someone else is experiencing, big or small…

So be kind.

Judge less.

But equally give yourself more personal space ..  being kind doesn’t mean you have to, or even can, show up for every single person in trauma.

Become aware of your own needs.

…and honour them.

Don’t sideline your own emotional well-being to manage someone else’s.

Nope.

So happy birthday to me …

I have set my intentions to rock 50, to behave badly and find 50 things to do that I’ve never done before or that I want to do now!

Midlife crisis? Call it what you will but life is short and I’m done with waiting for the right moment ….

Al has a big birthday this year too so between us we are 110 ( I’ll let you do the maths!!) … so we get to find 110 things to do this year

( this may have to roll onto the next few years ….. )

Challenge accepted…. I shall begin with learning to ride my motorbike and returning to my past love of kickboxing…. Maybe we’ll get a dog or learn to play the banjo? Who knows!

My lovely Sister-in-Law made me this awesome necklace that reminds me of this everyday …. and I chuckle every time someone misreads it and imagines it says ‘hope’ most of the time I don’t correct them I just smile  and my inner voice whispers…..

NOPE!

P.S. If you’d like your very own ‘Nope’ necklace you can contact my Sis through Instagram @silverbjewellery or on Facebook @Silverb .