Be more Lilith…
Al and I have recently introduced two kittens into our lives.
Lilith, a tiny but stocky little black kitty who moves and looks like a tiny monkey, and Leeloo, a very beautiful, petite tabby who looks like she has gracefully stepped off a photo shoot for a chocolate box. They have only been with us for a month and already we are laughing at how they appear to be mini reflections of Al and I.
Leeloo is measured, thoughtful and calculates carefully before she makes a move. She is graceful and pretty and she will ask nicely for her food and wash carefully when she’s finished. She can kick ass when she needs to but is generally quiet and peace loving.
I would imagine that if she were human, she would have a neat sock drawer and would stack the dishwasher in a way that actually cleaned all of the dishes. Leeloo is just like Al.
And then there’s Lilith..
Lilith is bold, inquisitive and a little ungainly. She launches herself at challenges without a thought, literally planning her next move as she flies through the air having not actually considered the last one. She is relentless, stubborn and will find a way to achieve her goal in any way, even if it’s not the simplest or most straight forward method.
Lilith has already learnt to open the catch on the door and understands that if she plays with claws that hurt, we stop playing with her, so she will only play with soft paws …. and she’s only 14 weeks old. We have nicknamed her ‘Blue’ like the ‘Clever girl’ velociraptor from Jurassic park. She’s not graceful and beautifully groomed like Leeloo, and if she was to stack a dishwasher it would be chaotic.. and some of the dishes would get clean… maybe.
I identify with Lilith for sure.
Interestingly, even as I write this, I am acutely aware that by suggesting an affinity with Lilith I have effectively called myself ‘smart’, ‘determined’ and ‘clever’. So initially, I changed the words … I removed them and swapped them for something a little less self promoting.
for me, it’s a natural instinct, an automatic response to play down my skills and attributes in fear that I may be perceived as thinking too highly of myself or ‘bigging myself up’…
It’s a long born habit to play down my achievements or the things that I’m good at in order to fit in and not offend anyone…
.. and I don’t think I’m alone in this.
I have mentioned before that I am competitive. I always want to do the best at what I’m doing. I’m not going to sit here and write about authenticity and then claim that it’s NEVER about being better at something than someone else, of course it is sometimes, but usually it’s far more insular … it’s about wanting to be the best I can possibly be at something, for me. So that I know I was the best I could be at it, otherwise what’s the point?
However, being a socially awkward child, I learnt very quickly that being the best at things doesn’t always make friends. There seemed to be a fine line between being confident and therefore popular and being ‘too clever’ and being bullied, a line that I just found mind bending. So… like many people I imagine, my fix was to play it down. I found it much easier to be part of a social group at school…and in life since... if I blended in, mimicked the other kids, don’t be a ‘smart arse’ and kept my achievements and grades to an average level.
I have often hidden many of my skills and knowledge and played down my talents for fear of rejection, jealousy and bullying. Until recently I had stopped painting and drawing, passed credit for my designs and professional achievements to others.
I am wary of correcting people if they pronounce something incorrectly or get a fact wrong, I have even been known to play the saxophone badly in my class because my then boyfriend was learning too but he wasn’t finding it as easy as I was, so I purposely made mistakes. I have been known to subconsciously change the way I talk when I think perhaps I’m a little too well spoken and I don’t want to appear ‘posh’ or not fit into the the local dialect or slang.
Being outwardly authentic has never been a comfortable place for me.
Please don’t get me wrong, I most definitely don’t think I’m super clever or some kind of intellectual wonder.. far from it, I am just an average Joe .. or Jess .. but I do know that I have more to offer than I had been letting on. I do know that I have consistently dumbed myself down and possibly done myself an injustice for fear that people may not like me.
As I get older I have started to appreciate myself and my achievements more. I have become much less afraid of what people might think and am learning to embrace my talents and have a greater respect for my own thoughts, opinions and achievements. I am far more likely to accept a compliment and feel I have worked hard to earn the right to feel confident in my career and life skills.
This has been helped, I’m sure, by the massive changes we have made to our life over the last couple of years and our much quieter, more insular lifestyle. I am no longer centre of attention in a busy and thriving jewellery school, a position I found challenging from the start and never truly became accustomed to.
I read somewhere the concept that ‘you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge’. I never really understood this idea until life became quieter and I could see far more clearly that I had manipulated my behaviour to fit with whoever I was talking to. A great skill in itself, if the objective is to communicate and make a connection… but in everyday life, not authentic and ultimately not a healthy way to live.
So, by acknowledging this repetitive trait, and seeing it for what it is… FEAR.. I have been able to tentatively approach the world as myself.
A little awkward, kooky … quite good at some stuff, artistic, chaotic and completely crap at stacking the dishwasher.
There’s a great scene in an episode of the absolutely brilliant ‘Schitts Creek’ where Alexis is taking David to his driving test and he is super anxious about failing. After much hilarious conversation, Alexis finally in exasperation turns to David and says ‘Oh my God David, no one cares!’. David goes on to drive his test whilst his ridiculously young driving instructor plays on his mobile phone, proving that Alexis was right. The freedom of this realisation meant that David relaxed and passed his test.
I love this. Such a great metaphor for life and our constant fear of not fitting in.
No one really cares.
Not in a mean way… just in the way that, in truth… what you choose to wear today may cause some people to glance and judge as you walk by… but within moments of you passing their thoughts will be elsewhere and you’ll probably never see them again.
Someone complimented me on my leather bike jacket the other day …it’s not leather.. it’s made of Kevlar but styled to look like a traditional bikers jacket. My niece and I were chatting about bike gear one evening and I told her that I’d received this comment and that I felt I wanted to correct them…not because I’m being ‘all vegan’, just because I love the jacket and think it’s so cool that it’s Kevlar …
Daisy simply looked at me and said ‘no-one cares, leave it alone’ … I cracked up. She’s so right!!
There’s an amazing quote from Oprah Winfrey in her lovely book ‘What I know for sure’ which says,
‘Whatever you fear most has no power. The thing itself cannot touch you. But your fear can rob you of your life’
she goes on to ask,…what if …you make the decision to stop letting fear dictate your life, feel it, of course, but lean in and instead of worrying about what others think, turn your attention to what is good for you. Ultimately there’s nothing to prove to anyone, if you’re shy, be shy.. if you’re smart, be smart .. don’t apologise for being great at something.
See what unfolds in life if you step out as your true authentic self.
Be more Lilith ….
Just launch yourself at it and figure it out mid air.
Oh and in case you were wondering from the last blog … Yes, I went on my pottery day with the lovely Becky and we made some cool stuff!! Did I create a piece of high end, socially and art world approved sculpture? Nope.. I made a DRAGON!!! because, well, dragons right!!!??
Oh and there’s a random (but beautiful) photo of our Millie too because I have kitten guilt … !
This is Oprahs lovely little book if you fancy an uplifting, thought provoking read :
