A little lost ..

Recently, I lost my way a little.

Nothing drastic, just a moment in time where my world was challenged and I responded by finding a distraction rather than stopping to examine what was really going on.

I chose to run rather than take a moment to breathe and work it out.

My determination became defiance, my quiet became fierce. My peace became noise.

My priorities shifted… in itself not a problem, but the shift was counterproductive… uncomfortable.

I felt the things that were important to me quietly slipping through my fingers while I turned away and became someone new for a while.

Someone new.

Not myself.

Not calm.

It took a moment of self care to bring me back.

A weekend with friends to give me the gentle slap I needed.

I stepped out of my ‘normal’ life completely and stood, one foot in the past and one foot in this moment right here, right now and took a long, deep, cleansing breath and remembered…

Finally…

Who I was again.

I travelled to the place that I fell in love, both with jewellery… and also with Al.

A step back in time to an old fashioned red telephone box on a corner of a lane in the middle of the countryside.

A phone box in which I once stood, over twenty years before, on crutches, with a broken leg for three hours, (that felt like five minutes) … talking about everything and nothing with a wonderful human who would become my husband, my Al.

A step back in time to visit my tutor, mentor and my inspiration… the place where I made my first ever ring and fell head over heels in love with silversmithing.

A journey I needed to take.

Early one morning, clutching a hot cup of tea, I stood at the window breathing the crisp spring air.

Everything smelt green…

A Great Spotted Woodpecker flew to a blossoming apple tree right in front of me. I’d never stopped to notice how incredibly beautiful they are … every bit as colourful and exotic as the birds we admire in other countries .. that we see anew with fresh eyes and seem somehow more ‘interesting’ than our native birds.

A squirrel dashed through the branches above me, crossly carrying a nut and muttering spiky squirrel swear words.

I stood still.

Silent.

Sipping my tea.

A tiny velvet eared rabbit hopped into view and saw me.

Stopped.

He watched me as I watched him.

Then he was gone into the long grass. Hidden.

Like me.

Gone for a moment.

The weekend was over too quickly, it had been like going home. Familiar, comfortable and friendly.

I had spent time with beautiful people, ate Pain au chocolate in bed and reminisced

And just like that I was back.

I was back home… but, also, I was back.

As I recounted my adventures to Al.. as I spoke out loud to begin to understand the shift…I started to notice that he way I spoke about myself… my inner dialogue… was so unkind.

I had never seen so clearly how mean I could be to myself.

How unforgiving.

Al and I are strong believers in the power of words.

The value in taking a moment to rephrase a sentence to use less negative words and more positive, kind, affirming words.

Whether we are talking to friends, customers or each other, writing emails or sending texts we are careful to choose positivity to send out into the universe.

A real belief in the idea that what you send out, you’ll receive three fold.

So I was astonished to hear my inner voice speaking so unkindly about myself.

How is that I can think so generously towards others and yet judge myself so harshly? Why don’t the same rules apply to me?

I made a mistake, I lost my way.

It’s human.

It’s part of growth… right?

If we never lose our path, how would we ever learn about ourselves?

Al asked me the other day whether I am, by nature, nostalgic… interesting question.

I thought hard about this, especially given my recent trip into my past.

I came to the conclusion that I only feel nostalgia when something is unbalanced in my present.

When things feel overwhelming or out of control in the now, I maybe search for myself in the past.

A way of grounding.

Reaffirming who I am… who I’ve always been.

So I can reset.

Giving up our jewellery school in 2020 was challenging.. and still resonates with emotions for me.

It’s not a regret or a feeling that I wish I was still teaching, it’s more a sense of loss.

A loss of identity… after 17 years of hard work and energy .. who am I if I’m not the person who ploughed every waking moment of thought, energy and effort into building our school?

This, along with the continuing responsibilities that simply go with running any business as a main source of income just nudged me towards a need to remember that I once existed before all of this. Before being a business owner, before I met Al… before.

A time that I can fantasise felt easier, less cluttered with the pressures of our modern world and it’s social media, price increases and cancel culture.

Though… I bet, if I could actually step back and buy myself a cuppa and sit down for a chat… I’d soon realise that back then, it didn’t necessarily feel any easier. I was still most likely weighed down by whatever pressure I was placing on my shoulders at that time …

Because the shocking revelation is that … no matter where you run. You take you with you.

So maybe the answer isn’t to run at all .. but to stop for a moment or two. Take a breath. Step out of your reality and connect with what is feeling out of kilter in your world.

Talk kindly to yourself, as you would talk to your younger self if you could step back in time.

What would you say?

You’d reassure them.. right? You’d let them know that you turned out ok and that they don’t need to worry….

…wouldn’t you?

So why not talk to yourself like that now?

Forgive.

Be kind.

Learn.

Move on.

Smile.